


A Push Too Far

by Kit_Amongst_The_Pigeons



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 07:23:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20422136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kit_Amongst_The_Pigeons/pseuds/Kit_Amongst_The_Pigeons
Summary: Merlin is so SICK of them all.





	A Push Too Far

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-Posted from my tumblr: https://kit-amongst-the-pigeons.tumblr.com/post/160997556272/notbrogues-someone-give-me-a-fic-where-eggsy-says
> 
> No Beta.

Merlin hated dealing with those three. Those three _ children _ who were called his colleagues. Their missions almost always went tits up, and as Merlin attempts to guide them through getting out of there, he is usually already thinking about the debrief that he is going to have to suffer through.

The last mission that Harry went on, Merlin wasn’t playing handler, because he was too busy trying to run the organisation and not let the new recruits kill each other. He had left Harry to his own devices, which, he thought as he stared down at the mission report and the video from Harry’s feed, was a terrible idea. He adjusted his glasses and looked up at Harry. 

Of course, Harry wasn’t looking at him, but was helping himself to a martini from Merlin’s personal cabinet. 

Although Merlin tried to keep his glare concentrated on Harry’s back, a small smile slipped through his defences as he looked at his old friend. Naturally, when Harry turned around, drink in hand, Merlin’s expression was once again a carefully smoothed veneer of disappointment and questioning.

“What on Earth is that look for, Merlin?” said Harry, flopping into the chair on the other side of his desk and taking another gulp of his drink, “I got your precious information, didn’t I?”

“Gentlemen don’t mock their friends,” said Merlin in a near perfect imitation of Harry’s voice.

“I’m not a gentleman in here with you, Merlin; I’m that scruffy boy you met at boarding school.”

“No you’re not, ‘cause he would have had his feet on my desk by now.”

“I can oblige if you want, Merlin,” smirked Harry, lifting one foot, and then lowering it in response to Merlin’s intensifying glare.

“Let’s just get this over with, so we can get out of this office, go to one of our houses and get drunk,” said Merlin, looking back down at the notes, “now then, what’s this about a death toll?”

“It’s the number of people who died, Merlin.”

“Yes, on a recon mission, that figure should have been zero.”

“Well, something happened,” Harry sat forwards in a more gentlemanly manner to get down to business.

“Yes, the question of this debriefing is what?”

“Well, I was getting the information out of the computer, like you asked, and I was interrupted by that fellow.”

“Harry, please, I’m tired.”

“Well, I was just standing there, holding a memory stick and my knife and he runs at me, and onto the knife—” Harry’s face was a mask of polite explanation “—and then he did it again, about ten times.”

“He ran onto your knife ten times?” Even Merlin could hear the weariness in his own voice.

“Yes, he ran onto my knife ten times.” There was not a single twitch of emotion on Harry’s face.

Merlin stared at him for another moment, but he knew that he wouldn’t get any satisfaction out of his friend, so he stood up, pushing his chair back.

“Let’s go.”

***

Eggsy stood in front of Merlin’s desk, slightly slouched and looking dishevelled, even in his fabulously tailored suit. Smudges of blood traced the curve of his eyebrow and parts of his face and neck were already starting to bruise.

“Alright, tell me what happened,” said Merlin, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of his tea, “just go from the start.”

“Okay, well, I’m at this fancy ass dinner party that you sent me to, standing at the bar and looking at old broads like I wanna shag them, which by the way was not a fun time for me, especially with Harry in my ear the whole night—” Eggsy took a look at Merlin’s unimpressed face “—okay, anyway, so I’m dancing with one of these rich ladies and I spot my mark across the room where he’s chatting to this young waiter, and I know what he’s really saying, even though I can’t read his lips from my angle, so I catch his eye and give him a wink. He gets my meaning, so when the dance ends, ‘cause I’m a gentleman and all, I head over there, and we have a drink together, and then he tells me to meet him in one of the rooms. So I follow him up, seduce him, get the info and get out.”

“Yes, those bits I understand,” said Merlin, wondering why Harry had to teach this boy everything he knew, “I was wondering why he’s dead.”

“Dead?”

“Yes, the state people reach when they aren’t alive anymore,” said Merlin, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, well, it’s not my fault. I mean, some guys just can’t hold their arsenic, Merlin.”

There was that deadpan that he had seen so many times on the face of his best friend. Merlin sighed, looked at the report, and Eggsy’s impassive face, at his empty mug of tea, and then he waved his hand, dismissing the agent.

“Oh, and when you see Harry, tell him that he’s a bastard, from me; he’ll know what I mean.”

**

Roxy’s gun lay on the desk in front of him. It was basically the only thing that was keeping him from dropping his forehead onto the smooth wood and letting the rest of the world drift into a hazy oblivion. Instead, he took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead and eyes.

Then he slid his glasses back on and straightened his tie. It was timed perfectly, so that he invited Roxy into the room a moment before she knocked, keeping up his image of being more knowledgeable than the Gods.

“Lancelot,” he said, putting his hands on the desk in front of him, “let’s make this debrief as painless as possible, eh?”

“Sounds good, Merlin,” said Roxy, sitting down with a slight wince.

“Has medical cleared you?” Merlin’s protective instinct kicked in, even as he begged himself to let it go.

“Yes, Merlin, I’m just tired is all.”

“Okay, then let’s get this over with. Tell me from the start.”

“I got into the base through the back by opening popping the grate out of one of the air ducts and climbing through them. Didn’t think to fix them closed properly because no ‘man’ could fit through them, more fool them.”

Merlin laughed a little and gestured for her to go on.

“So I’m in and I’m evading their security, which to be honest was pretty lax, and then I manage to finally make it through the compound, avoiding detection, like you asked, and then, I sneak into the room where the files are that I’m supposed to be stealing, which, hard copies, really? Anyway, so I sneak in there, and there’s nothing going on, just nothing, so I’m looking through the filing cabinets for the right files, and I find them, but then there’s a sound behind me, and the door is opening, and when the man is halfway through the door, I fired two warning shots … at his head.”

Merlin looked at her, and sighed. Another one with a perfect poker face that was carefully constructed to drive him insane.

“In his head?”

“Well, yes, I had to fire warning shots. That’s how you trained me.”

“Yes, I also trained you as an impeccable shot, Lancelot.”

“That’s true.” Lancelot’s polite and gentle acquiescence was all part of her poker face routine, and only served to make him want to pull out his hair, despite the fact that he didn’t have any left to wrench out.

After a moment of nothing, he looked back up at Roxy’s face, which was still a polite mask, and then his shoulders sagged.

“Alright, off you go, Lancelot. Rest up.”

Roxy got up out of the chair and headed for the door. With her hand on the handle, she paused and looked over her shoulder, casting a wild and wicked grin at Merlin, before jogging out of the room to the waiting Eggsy.

Merlin moved Roxy’s gun, dropped his head to the desk and groaned. He really needed a new assistant. Or new friends.


End file.
